My longest, most stable relationship has been with myself. Unfortunately, it’s not as successful as one might think. I would describe it as a Lifetime Original Movie, starring Candace Cameron-Bure as a well-meaning ingénue who becomes involved with an evil ne’er-do-well played by Peter Gallagher and his eyebrows. The core subject is mental abuse and the title would be “Mind If I Make You Feel Bad?”. Okay, so the title isn’t great but neither is Lifetime movies.
My main bone of contention is with 8 lbs of mostly negativity nesting in my skull. It needs to be said, my brain is such a bitch. It has such a vindictive knack for picking apart everything about sweet Candace Cameron-Bure. Divorce wasn’t an option for me, thanks Obama! I’d thought about having a lobotomy but getting insurance coverage was a bear. Counseling was a temporary band-aid but that sneaky f**k reared its ugly head after a couple of sessions. The only successful solution was taking anti-depressants, but now I’m starting to think I’m developing immunity.
People have questioned whether Zoloft is really needed, especially since I’ve come out. The answer is “I don’t know” or “I’m scared to find out”. Yes, I’m comfortable in my gay skin and the honesty that comes with that. But being “true to me” doesn’t automatically eliminate my trunk full of issues. I’ve tried to go off anti-depressants before only to rediscover that crushing anvil and the thought of doing so again exhausts me. Someone once condescendingly said to me regarding depression, “It’s all in your head” to which I responded, “Yeah it is, you dumbass”. I genuinely would like to be Zoloft-free and not reliant on chemicals, but something more natural/safe. Maybe one day I’ll get there. But as Kimmy Schmidt would say, “take it 10 seconds at a time”.
I’ve been taking other strides towards peace of mind, but drinking too much vodka can wreak havoc on one’s checking account. Fitness has been an important factor to achieving serenity, mainly because it gives me a focal point that shuts out all the other bullshit. I’ve been told eating right would be beneficial to my mental health, but damn it I love those Ghost Pepper Fries from Wendy’s. Eating healthy, not an option. I’ve recently discovered the benefits of acupuncture & essential oils. Who knew a couple micro-stabbings & lavender oil could be such mood elevators. Also beneficial, having good friends and Netflix!
As of late, I’ve been going through one of those “bullshitty journeys” of self discovery regarding life, love and work. Shout-out to my friend Jason, who should definitely be a motivational coach. He’s helped me find a certain degree of peace & strength, which had been buried beneath my bitchy brain. Everyone should get a Jason. He takes my insurance!
Realization alert! The negativity/insecurity is beneficial to my creativity. Damn, I can’t win for losing. It’s a catch-22.
Final thought… Well what do know, I’m brain dead. But one thing’s for sure, I want pizza.