Mom-isms

My mom was unexpectedly funny! Here's some quotes I had archived a while back, that still make me laugh.

1-”I have to go to the f**king grocery store!”

2-”Benny, you’re full of prunes.”

3-I love that I asked my mom, “what’s a funny way to go deaf?” and she just started shooting off different answers without even asking why or what it’s for… 1/3/10

4-”BLLAAAIIRR… your underwear is on your bed!”

5-”Pussycat” an endearing term for me… at least I think so…

6-”I’d hate to have the last name Gilstrap, because you associate it with jock strap… you know?” (Referring to Iowa State b-ball player Marquis Gilstrap) 1/6/10

7-”You know, we’d been invited to two weddings this year, couldn’t go and so I sent presents… and they never once said thank you, kiss my ass… anything… it’s only good etiquette to say thank you.” 1/6/10

8-Mom had a pedicure today; dad was messing with mom’s toes while she was laying on the couch, to which she said, “If you do that again, I’mma knock the s**t out of you!” 1/12/10

9-My mom came into my room when I woke up at 3:15pm. First thing she said was, “It’s cold as wiz out." It’s been my experience that urine is usually warm. 1/31/10

10-Convo between mom & dad (2/5/10):

  • MOM “This phone is acting weird.  It’ll ring and no one’s there, so I hang up and then it rings again?”
  • DAD “Welllll… your not really savvy when it comes to technology.”
  • MOM “You mean because I don’t know how to hang up the f**king phone?”

11-Convo between mom & dad while watching FOX News (2/5/10):

  • DAD (Referring to the lady anchor) “Now there’s a pretty blonde.”
  • MOM (Looking at him blankly; FYI mom is blonde)
  • DAD (To mom) “Why don’t you make you’re hair blonde?”
  • MOM (Still looking at him blankly)
  • DAD “Well, yours is more of… a… dirty blonde…”
  • MOM “At least I have hair.”

12-Convo between mom & dad while watching the GA Tech/Duke b-ball game (3/14/10):

  • MOM (Referring to the GA Tech coach) “He wears his tie down to his d**k.”
  • DAD “I didn’t notice.”
  • MOM “See it?”

13-After getting off the phone with dad, “I wish he’d get a damn hearing aid. I hate having to repeat myself.”  Mom didn’t realize she left the phone off the hook… (3/15/10)

14-Mom came to watch my performance at Studio Roanoke for “Best of No Shame Theatre”.  There was 20 5-minute performances and mom really wasn’t feeling it. You could tell she was probably running episodes of “Law & Order” in her head just to get by. After an interpretive/seductive dance performance, I leaned over to mom, who’s face was blank, and asked if she enjoyed that. To which she said, in a small theatre mind you, “No!”… and that was in her regular speaking tone, not a whisper… She later said she didn’t care if they heard, to which I said, “Mom, it’s called No Shame Theatre”. (4/2 & 4/3/10)

15-Mom bought Easter Lillies for church tomorrow, “these aren’t very pretty, but they were on sale”.  Mom’s thrifty! (4/3/10)

16-Driving home from lunch, I was the chauffeur, my dad was in the passenger seat and my mom sat behind him.  Dad lowers back his seat to get a little nap in, to which my mom replies, “would you like to squish my knees into my pelvis?”.  (4/10/10)

17-”He has a niiiiice body”, referring to Casey James on Idol (5/19/10)

18-”Who’s Justin Beaver?”, referring to Justin Bieber (5/19/10)

19-Convo between me & mom regarding a website I created:

  • ME “I finished making the website for Roger Bishop.”
  • MOM “Great, you delivering it to `em today?”

20-Pulling into the Texas Tavern (next to Cuba Pete’s) parking lot (6/26/10):

  • MOM “Why is that called Cuba Pete’s?
  • DAD (He’s deaf) “Cuba Feet’s?”
  • MOM “Cuba Pete’s!”
  • DAD (Still deaf) “Huh?”

21-Another funny back & forth between mom & dad (6/26/10):

  • DAD “Before the Lord takes me on to Heaven, I’d like to make a jar of pickled corn.”
  • MOM “Oh Hell, well you’re gonna have to go to someone else’s house & do it.”
    After dad walks out
  • MOM “Pickled corn is hick-food.”

22-Dad was not understanding our waitress with a thick accent... (after giving the specials and walking away) “Don’t, don’t ask her anymore questions; I don’t wanna hear her talk.” (7/4/10)

23-I was questioning the GPS’s navigational skills on where to turn for our villa (7/6/10):

  • ME “Is this it?”
  • MOM “This isn’t it… what’s it?”

24-On the ride back from dinner, we were discussing the name “Gay” (7/6/10): “The only “Gay” I knew growing up was slightly retarded.”

25-”I’m in vacation hell!” While walking around like a penquin in Harbor Town; Mom, hates walking (7/8/10)

26-After watching 12 minutes of the newest FOX sitcom Sons Of Tucson, mom says “I hate to say it, but this ain’t gonna make it” – ironically, it’s been cancelled. (7/18/10)

27-Talking about Zsa Zsa Gabor: “Her daughter said there’s nothing to worry about… well my God, she’s 93, has a broken hip and is in a coma. I think that’s something you should worry about!” (7/25/10)

28-Talking about Courteney Cox & David Arquette’s separation: “They said they would remain the best of friends. That’s the biggest bunch of bulls**t I’ve ever heard!” (10/13/10)

29-Convo between mom & dad at lunch (10/13/10):

  • DAD “What was your bra size when you first started wearing one?”
  • MOM “It was like a double-A.”
  • DAD “What was the point?  Was there anything there?”
  • MOM “Yeah, there were 2 little things there and they moved.” (Begins to imitate what appears to be tassles)

30-Dad was editing an audio sermon of my grandfather’s from the 1950′s; within the sermon he mentioned that one of his revivals was so successful that it lasted 3 weeks, to which she said (10/22/10): “Oh my God, that’s like my worst nightmare!”

31-Convo between mom & dad (11/11/10):

  • DAD “Let’s go to New York this Christmas.”
  • MOM “No! I don’t wanna be blown up!”
  • DAD “California?”
  • MOM “God, we’d probably starve to death b/c the taxes are sooo damn high!”
  • DAD “What about Mexico?”
  • MOM “S**t, I don’t wanna be killed!”
  • DAD “Well, is there anyplace you wanna go? Hawaii?”
  • MOM “Yeah, that should be pretty safe.”

32-Convo between mom & dad; dad is checking the voice messages (11/11/10):

  • VOICE-MAIL LADY “You have 12 new messages.”
  • DAD “My God, 12 messages! Why did you save so many?”
  • MOM “Well, I thought that they might be important.”
  • VOICE-MAIL LADY “First saved voice message, sent Thursday, October 28th… (the phone clicks indicating someone hung up)”
  • DAD “Yeah… that was real important… I’m glad you saved it.”
  • MOM “Kiss my foot!”
  • DAD “Do you know how to delete?”
  • MOM (Without skipping a beat) “Nine!”

33-Convo between mom & me after eating lunch at O’Charley’s (11/21/10):

  • ME “I’m going to run by Target real quick.”
  • MOM “Awww, I wish I had know you were going there… I have dumbass lamp shade I wanna return!”  Who knew lamp shades were so stupid?!

34-Convo between mom & me about Thanksgiving (11/24/10):

  • MOM “Can you think of anything you’d like me to fix for Thanksgiving…”
  • ME “Well, I really like your sweet potato casserole.”
  • MOM “Oh crap, I wasn’t gonna make that… do you really want it?”

35-Watching an episode of “Reba” where the characters are partaking in jello shots to which mom asks, “do they make those here?” (12/10/10)

36-Mom’s pulling out old pictures and comes across one of herself and dad from a few years ago: “I wish your dad could get back down to that weight; I look like s**t, but he looks good!” (03/11/11)

37-Dad has a machine that ionizes water and bottles it in old glass bottles he’s saved; he’s particular about keeping the lids w/ the bottles. This morning one lid was missing and so he asked mom where it was. She turns to a random drawer and pulls it out, to which he asks, “Why did you put it there?” and she says, “What, do you want me to write you an essay?” (03/16/11)

38-Leaving for lunch, dad asks if mom has her cell-phone (which she never does & if she does, it’s off) and she reponds, “I dunno, is it in my pocket?”… then she starts walking towards upstairs and he says, “Is your pocket upstairs?”… she brings a purse down from upstairs and starts looking through it; dad then sees it sitting out in the open on the kitchen table in front of her. Dad says sarcastically, “Is that it?” and mom says, “That’s it!”. (03/16/11)

40-”Judy found me a new careif for my coffee pot; she Googled it. What is Google?” (03/25/11)

41-While watching ‘Sex & the City’, “What’s phone sex? Is that like where you say something gross on the phone?” (03/26/11)

42-While dad’s watching an old Gene Autry film (11/30/11):

  • DAD “Wonder how much they (the actors) got paid?”
  • MOM “Whatever it was, it was too much.”
  • DAD (Reading the screen caption) “The end.”
  • MOM “Thank God.”

43-Convo between mom & dad (12/1/11):

  • DAD “You think my feet are pretty?”
  • MOM “Well… they’re different…”

44-Angelina Jolie was being interviewed and was asked if she and Brad would ever marry (12/5/11):

  • ANGELINA “Starting a family is the biggest commitment…”
  • MOM “She’s full of s**t!”